Today I forgave myself. I forgave myself for something I didn’t realize I was carrying around for years.
I was a lost young woman of about 22 when I met my, very soon to be husband, and now ex husband. He was strange and that was exciting to me. He had so many promises of a happy life. Promises of us living in our own strange, little bubble away from society. Our relationship only lasted a total of three years, from dating to marriage and shortly thereafter divorce. It was a constant rollercoaster of emotions and he had affairs more times than I probably know about. I stuck by him though, thinking that it was my duty.
I finally one day got the strength to leave him. I am a better person for it and I wish I could say the same for him. I hear constant stories about his downward spiral into drugs and alcohol, often involving young girls. A little part of me was satisfied by this, but the deeper part of me was torn about all of it. I spent so much of our relationship attempting to help him heal himself. He had made many mistakes and had been wronged in ways I could never imagine. I took on the role of heroine and tried to save him from himself.
Today: I receive an email from him about nothing of great significance, and I first decided it was best to ignore it and not respond. However, that little part of me that still wants the best for him chimed in, and I eventually emailed him back and just thanked him for being a part of my life and opening my eyes.
Today a weight has been lifted. I realize that I couldn’t forgive myself for not “saving” him. It was never my job in the first place and it has been weighing on me ever since. I felt as though I had failed, like I had gave up on him. I hope that he finds the help he needs, but that help can not come from me.
Forgive yourself now! Don’t wait! Whatever you are carrying around, you might not even be aware of it, but know this: You deserve complete and absolute forgiveness. The biggest step towards love is forgiveness. Often times things we would have forgiven others for long ago, we still hold over our own heads. Let it go. Be free of it now. You don’t know if you have tomorrow anyhow.
To err is human, to forgive is divine. Alexander Pope