Monthly Archives: May 2012

A Lesson in Forgiveness

Today I forgave myself.  I forgave myself for something I didn’t realize I was carrying around for years.

Back story:

I was a lost young woman of about 22 when I met my, very soon to be husband, and now ex husband.  He was strange and that was exciting to me.  He had so many promises of a happy life. Promises of us living in our own strange, little bubble away from society.  Our relationship only lasted a total of three years, from dating to marriage and shortly thereafter divorce.  It was a constant rollercoaster of emotions and he had affairs more times than I probably know about.  I stuck by him though, thinking that it was my duty.

I finally one day got the strength to leave him.  I am a better person for it and I wish I could say the same for him.  I hear constant stories about his downward spiral into drugs and alcohol, often involving young girls.  A little part of me was satisfied by this, but the deeper part of me was torn about all of it.   I spent so much of our relationship attempting to help him heal himself.  He had made many mistakes and had been wronged in ways I could never imagine.  I took on the role of heroine and tried to save him from himself.

Today: I receive an email from him about nothing of great significance, and I first decided it was best to ignore it and not respond.  However, that little part of me that still wants the best for him chimed in, and I eventually emailed him back and just thanked him for being a part of my life and opening my eyes.

Today a weight has been lifted.  I realize that I couldn’t forgive myself for not “saving” him.  It was never my job in the first place and it has been weighing on me ever since.  I felt as though I had failed, like I had gave up on him.  I hope that he finds the help he needs, but that help can not come from me.

Forgive yourself now!  Don’t wait!  Whatever you are carrying around, you might not even be aware of it, but know this:  You deserve complete and absolute forgiveness.  The biggest step towards love is forgiveness.  Often times things we would have forgiven others for long ago, we still hold over our own heads.  Let it go.  Be free of it now.  You don’t know if you have tomorrow anyhow.

To err is human, to forgive is divine.  Alexander Pope

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This too shall pass.

I’m a self-proclaimed dork.  As soon as I titled this, I thought of Gandolf in Lord of the Rings “You shall not pass!”  That is my ego telling me to stay the same and stay nestled into the areas of my life that I have been working to change.

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I dream of leaving my job.  I have even set a date for departure, but I do not know what will replace it.  I have given myself plenty of time to figure it out, but as empowering as setting a date was, at times it is replaced with a feeling of anxiety and lack of hope.  

My ego told me this morning, that I could be happy here.  I could just keep pushing on and I will find happiness in the money and the set schedule.  These are, after all, nice to have.  Society tells us that we should be “responsible,” and this job does make me seem responsible.

There is that other voice though, not so much a voice, but a knowing.  It tells me that I deserve to live my life to the fullest, to be content and completely in love with my life.  I know there will still be good and bad days, but knowing that I am in control of my fate is powerful and terrifying.

If I had stayed in the comfort of not changing, I would still be in an abusive relationship, trying to prove that I am worthy of someone else’s love.  I would spend many nights terrified for my life instead of having the comfort of a restful nights sleep and knowing that I “am” loved, not needing to prove myself any longer.

The comfort isn’t actually in the lack of change, because everything is constantly changing.  Our cells are constantly dying and being replaced.  My body is in a constant flux just as everything around it as well.  The comfort comes from the illusion of not changing.  We can convince ourselves that we are safe here and that it’s worse out of our little box of perceptions.  What I once perceived to be true is a laughing matter to me now.

I know in this moment that I can either choose to believe the illusion or to push ahead and move into the change whole heartedly.   Eyes wide open or eyes closed.  It’s my choice.  No one can force us to change, we have to want it for ourselves.   So today I will start listening to the “knowing” and keep my head held high so that I can see what amazing things are heading my way.  Someday I will look back on this moment, much like those old broken relationships, and wonder what ever kept me here.

Embrace change.  It’s the only constant.

Can we all agree to gang up on the “fatties”?

Admit it.  I got your attention, but read on before you judge.

I am pissed off!!!  Someone posted this article on Facebook: http://www.ijreview.com/2012/05/5181-obesity-blame-placed-on-food-not-the-obese/

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I read it as I ate my burger and french fries, washed down by a soda. I am weighing in at about 115 pounds and have never been over 130 pounds.  This is due to biology and a self hatred of myself gaining weight. Sad, I bet you can relate though.

Have we not heard enough lately that sugar is as addicting as heroin?  Society just loves to gang up on obese people.  Well stop it now!  You are no better, eating your burger, smoking your cigarette, and throwing back that alcohol/coffee.  I believe there is such an attack on the “fatties” because we all don’t quite no how to accept and love ourselves as we are, regardless of our flaws.  If you gained weight, let’s face it, it’s more your mirror and scale motivating you to lose it then your health.  Food is addictive, especially modern food.

I am fortunate in that my chocolate/sugar addiction hasn’t added to my waist size, so people can’t judge me as easily.

I could go on about this forever, however I will keep it short.

Everyone is beautiful.  Period!  Some people adore bigger women and men.  I feel sorry for you if you can’t accept yourself enough to do the same.  I have a friend  that is big and beautiful and she could heal your body with the touch of your hand.  She’s the most amazing massage therapist I’ve ever met.  She is also one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met.  She has been dieting for almost as long as I’ve been alive.  She has decided to stop, and I’m proud of her for doing so. Diets aren’t for the long term.  It’s all about lifestyle changes and those take time.  Do we treat alcoholics with this blatant disrespect when they make the effort to get better?  If you are completely heartless maybe you do.  My own mother is considered obese, and you are not going to tell me that my momma is not beautiful, or else. 😉

Deal with your own issues and stop attacking people who have medical issues, addictions, depression, or self esteem issues and are “suffering.”  Get over yourself and learn to love yourself, cellulite and all.

For additional curve loving visit this amazing blog: http://bodypositiveyoga.com/

Dear Negative Nancy

Dear Negative Nancy:

I am sure our cultures are very different.  In my culture and upbringing I was taught that If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  Clearly, you were raised differently.

I want to thank you for attending my yoga class due to the urging of your personal trainer.  I was a bit caught off guard by your feedback afterwards when I came over and asked you what you thought of your first class.  Your response, “It was terrible.  (scowling and repeating)  It was terrible.”  I was a little surprised by not only your blatant attack on my class, telling me that I was teaching something incorrectly.  You are the expert after all, having never done yoga.  However, I am glad that you were brave enough and bold enough to honestly voice your opinion to me.  I have never gotten feedback similar to your’s and was unsure how to handle it.

I apologize that what I taught did not serve you.  I hope that you find a class someday that does, when you are open to that. 

You vocalized what the little voice in the back of my head always tries to warn about.  What if I am a terrible teacher?  There was no training during my yoga intensive that taught me how to handle this.  There was never talk about that self-doubting voice and how to handle someone who actually snarls it out straight to your face.

All that is presented to us is a lesson and I have walked away with a few.  

1. Always treat others the way you would like to be treated.

2. Be honest, but try to do it as nice as possible.

3. You cannot please everyone.

 

Next time I will ask what you were wanting different out of class.

Every Action Has an Equal Opposite Reaction

We cannot control how people act towards us, all we can do is choose our reaction.  This is pretty damn hard, but restores a bit of control back into our lives, because often times we are most upset by our lack of control.

My boss, I think inadvertently, treats me like an imbecile sometimes.  I want to scream after being treated this way every ten minutes or so, and sometimes I even get the urge to slap or punch him in the gut.  However, this would not be beneficial for anyone, although it might feel good at the moment. (cue evil smirk)  In a “I need my paycheck” sort of situation the feeling of no control can become ever glaringly obvious to us.  My mind reverts to childlike antics.  I have thought of farting in his office, insulting him back, or just plain walking out of this place with some choice words being said on the way out.  There were even jokes about defecating on his desk. (again cue evil smirk with a snicker)  However I hold this all inside, because I do enjoy paying my bills and living with some comforts.  So, this leaves me grappling for any action that will restore a sense of control.    I decided to indulge in a bit of self punishment and end up binge eating the rest of the day.  I felt like crap from my food choices and just the tremendous amount of food that I devoured afterwards, but for the moment it did serve it’s purpose.   I know that it would have served me better to go for a walk, but it wasn’t as appealing.  It then makes me feel bad, because why do I let someone else’s actions toward me effect me so deeply.  As if anything he believes about me could be anywhere near my actual worth.  As I am writing this I now have a realization about my reaction.  I now realize that perhaps a demented part of my ego thought, “If anyone is going to make me feel like crap it will be me administering it, damn it!”  Oh our sick little minds.  I ended up feeling a bit out of control in this reaction too, because I couldn’t stop myself from eating.  😦

A different scenario I am dealing with at the moment is in my significant relationship.  I am a huge worrier, end of the world type.  I woke up and my boyfriend was not home from his nightly adventure out with his friends that were visiting from out of town.  My mind immediately went straight to: He’s been in an accident he is in the hospital or has died.  Needless to say, it was one of the worst ways to wake up.  I called him and there was no answer. I tried to keep myself calm and called my sister to help keep me from losing it, and then comes the call from him.  An immediate feeling of gratitude washes over me, but I still have the undealt with feelings of anxiety lingering.  I then have to decide how I will react to this situation.  In a situation where I have more options and have actual love for the person I am reacting to, my immediate reaction is completely different.  In this situation I know immediately that his actions were not due to his lack of care for me or disrespect, and so my perspective of his action completely changes how I react.  I can actually voice my thoughts and opinions on the situation and feel as though I matter.

In the end I know that I can restore control to my situation by just realizing that I am in command of my reactions.  The first step is observing what my habits of coping are.  I clearly can’t make binge eating a number one reaction, if at all.  As I said earlier, a walk would have cleared my head a bit,  or perhaps a drive with singing at the top of my lungs.  I realize that if I hold my tongue that these things start building up in my throat and I will get sick in this area so something must be vocally released.  I love singing, so why not go that route.  Laughter would be another good way to release the pent up verbalizing that needs to be expressed.

How do you bring back a sense of control in times when peoples’ actions or life leaves you feeling spiraling out of it?

If your pattern is overeating I just came across this today: http://goodveg.squidoo.com/health/escaping-the-prison-of-emotional-eating

Thank you Amy Jirsa for mentioning this blog and for your wonderful take on addictions.  http://www.quietearthyoga.com/?p=1608

Who Are You?

I recently had my bangs trimmed and they cut them completely different then I had wanted and than I would ever have them cut.  As a result, every time I look in the mirror I question who the person is staring back.  I have heard similar accounts from people that have aged into their 60’s and beyond.  We continue to feel 20 years old, or whatever age, and our bodies seem to betray us right before our eyes.

Now, I know that I am not my body, that I am something much greater, but it’s hard to actually grasp this.  I am something that will exist without end and so are you.  I am boundless and we are all connected.  This body is only temporarily separating us.  It is a vessel.  Our modern lives are teaching us that we are so very different from each other and must put the self first.  Every time I let go of the notion of separateness I feel absolutely blissful.  A deeper part of me is aware that we are the same.  This is the reason that if I help another I feel as though someone has in turn helped me.

We push these bodies to extremes and eventually they will break down and give out on us.  It is because of this that I am thankful for my strange and unexpected haircut.  It has opened my eyes to the stranger that lurks within.

So, just who are you?