Holy hell! Today has been a rollercoaster of racing thoughts and emotions. The pendulum has swung in both directions since I woke up.
Last night Billy and I frantically packed up our kitchen and all of the stuff we kept neglecting. There was a lot. I was feeling stressed out to the max and negative feelings were taking hold of my mind. Words like “mistake” and “naive” started bubbling up to the surface. I started to give into them and my mood just kept getting worse.
So, this morning I awoke early to get the stuff packed and moved to my mom’s house (our temporary home for two months). Billy wanted to sleep a little longer, because we were up really late the night before getting it all done. I threw a little tantrum and left to unload my car at my mom’s. I continued to keep wallowing in my negative emotions and frustrations. The negative thoughts kept piling up. “What were you thinking?” “This whole thing is crazy.” “You are selfish and ungrateful, because life is comfortable now.”
I returned home and sat down, absentmindedly listening to Billy packing up the last of his stuff while running through my negative thoughts. All of a sudden it him me. this stuff has to happen no matter what. We have to get packed and moved. My attitude about it is a choice. I can flip the switch and shine some light into this darkness if I choose to. It really is as easy as shifting my focus from negative to positive.
I paused and asked myself what my perspective would be if I was a bubbly, positive person. Then I began thinking about what Billy and I are doing all of this hard work for and how worth it it’s going to be in two months. I then reflected on how blessed and supported we are by our friends and family and the fact that I could never ask for a better partner for this adventure. Which brings me to what I keep forgetting most, this is an adventure! Life is just a big adventure.
The moment I changed my mentality moving stuff actually felt fun. Everything felt lighter, mentally lighter. A load was lifted literally and figuratively.
I knocked down the stupid wall I had put up to block out the part of me that was touched by sunlight, positive, bubbly, dreaming of limitless possibilities. Why would I put up that wall? Sometimes we do stupid things.